A Bridged History of These Fifty Colonies of America: Part 1

Today is Loyalist Day for us servants of the Queen, but better known to the rest of the world as "What?". It's a day of reflection, of honoring our ancestors, and of damning men like George Washington and Benjamin Franklin for leading the revolt against our British overlords. But like everything else, our Glorious Motherland succeeded in putting down the insane rebels based in Philadelphia, and then proceeding to hang them and burn the Declaration of Wanting to Separate and Be Pussies.

I'm sure I'm not the only Loyalist girl having an orgasm with this flag.

So while everyone else is out reenacting the beheading of Thomas Jefferson, I am in my brightly-lit office, writing my blog, since I've already seen the reenactment of the sodomization of John Hancock in Saratoga Park. But I figure that as a good Loyalist girl, I'll give all you foreigners a little backstory, and tell you all about our Fifty Colonies of America.

Learn from me, fuckers.

So, it all began a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

Pictured: John Paul Jones

On a glorious day underneath the flag of our mighty Empire, now better known as the Commonwealth, a group of people gathered in Boston, in the back alleys, to discuss their next plans of tax evasion. Devilish and hidden they were, for a time, but their dodging of taxes, which would pay for food, medical care, and military protection, was discovered, and they would soon be sent into the dungeons. And they met in the alleys hidden behind the aquarium, one can assume, so they could both discuss their plans and look at the narwhals. 

This is where the Rebel Alliance was born.

And later that night, the heathens dressed up as Native Americans, who have today been granted a wonderful paradise-like reservation, in the land called Wyoming and Other Useless Places. And as Native Americans, these rebels attacked a ship of tea. And damn them. Damn them to hell, the bastards and bitches and sluts and whores. Our tea. Our beautiful English tea, sent down to the bottoms of the deep. Those idiots. Damn them to hell!

But nevertheless, the King, God Bless His Soul, sent the mighty military of the Motherland to the Colonies to fight the rebels at their homes, in their barns, and in their bedrooms, where the powers of seduction with bayonets reigned supreme. And battle after battle was lost, until finally the rebels caved at Saratoga, with Benedict Arnold switching to the winning side and destroying the rebel encampments. 

Just before he is sodomized, General Washington shakes hands with his superiors. 

And so, the march on Philadelphia took the city, and the Continental Congressmen were captured and taken to their respective colonies, where the Loyalist armies sodomized them until they were beheaded by their own willpower. And the Glorious Empire reigned over the entirety of North America. 

The story doesn't end there, though. For as we all know, there were only thirteen colonies at the time, and we have fifty now. And while I will continue this, I must end on a bright note; the democratic appointment of Benedict Arnold to Governor of the United Colonies of America.

Benedict Arnold, God-Governor of America (1789-1797)

To be Continued on the next post, fellow Loyalists. And remember; always drink marmalade before bed, and tea before you wake up.

<3,

Jackie